Tuesday, January 17, 2006


(Don't look for meaning in the title because, unless you're Justice, Anita or myself, you simply won't find any).

Further to this and the title (only) of this, I have the following:

I am not content anymore in Oxford. This discontentment has been around since about September 2005, which is coincidentially about the same time as I got back from my last trip home. To New Zealand, that is. In reality, this is probably no coincidence. The discontentment rears its head in various forms and at various times. It's not a consequence of how I cam feeling today, or yesterday, or last week, rather I am sure I have noticed a pattern developing since September. And my gut feeling right now is that something has to change. At the moment it seems that it is the UK that is most at risk and I am feeling a very strong desire to return to New Zealand.

Last October I made an agreement with myself, and with Jim that I would not leave from something, rather I would have to leave to go to something. I don't want to be in a state of feeling that I am running from something. It's an agreement this week I also asked Megan to hold me to. But there are a lot of people in NZ that would be worth leaving to go to. But I'm not so naive to spot that a move to NZ would result in the grief of people left behind here. Once upon a time I used to mock some of my friends who's OE lasted less than a year. Now, to some extent at least, I envy them. The decision making process for them was a no-brainer. They went on holiday for a year and then they came back. NOT, I would stress, that I regret any of my time here. I have, for the most part, had a great time here. I've made friends I hope I will have for life and I've learnt things about me and my world that I could never have discovered if I'd stayed at home. There are places I've seen, one just across the border from Botswana, that have astonished me. And there are communities and ideas that I have learnt about that I would never have been open to had I stayed in NZ. But my thoughts right now is that maybe it is time to knock it on its head, hell, it's been over four years.

As Justice said to me last night there is no good time to go home. But you have to make that decision at some time. A valid decision being, of course, to decide to not go home. Today, I am closer than I have been in four years to deciding to go home.

Fortunately, I guess, it would take about three months to pack up my life so this would not be a rushed decision. Besides, I really want to be here for A and J's wedding in June.

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